Experiments

Trying to conquer a fear. Results inconclusive.

Sometimes

...I wonder if this blog has done it's dash... I just happened on a quote on another blog, where the author said "I have had very little inclination to blog. Sometimes there is just too little, or too much to say."
Just reading my posts over the past 6 months on here, and they bore even me. Sigh.

...and you worry

This morning I had bad dreams. Silly really, the situation had no resemblance to my life, and I'm not sure it actually meant anything at all. But you wake up and want to cry.
And you can't shake that feeling off. I've been veging on the couch, reading blogs, looking at Facebook, and trying not to cry. And he's brought me tea, toast, potato salad, and now a cupcake. Played with the dog and been silly. I've laughed at his jokes, while tears run out of my eyes. I can't stop them.
And I worry. That I'm too hard to live with. That'll he'll get sick of it. That he'll say (just like the last one did) "I don't like living with a sad sack."
So I try and hold it in.
And I worry.

Lost

Yesterday I had a moment (in the bathroom no less.) It occurred to me that where I'm living right now is not home. It's a pleasant enough house, and I love the garden...but it's not me. I didn't really acknowledge until recently the strong effect my environment has on me, but I do know now it's very important. I need to move out of this town and to a house that feels like home. I know people say home is where you make it, but if you try and try and it's still not right, then you have to change something. So I'm back to bellyaching about trying to find somewhere to "be me". I don't know where it is yet. But I've got another person, 3 cats and a dog along for the ride now too.

[not my place]

Stuff on my mind = almost incoherent babbling

Such is my mood this week, I can't even be bothered thinking of an exciting title for this post. I haven't been in blog world too much of late, as work has been crazy busy and I don't do much beside Facebook on the puter in the evenings. Work is also trying to move my office into the CBD, and I fear the commuting will kill me (yes I know other people manage it, but I am not other people, and I've definitely been occupying a fragile mental space lately.) I thought I'd found a solution, and had a job interview last week, but alas, found out yesterday that I didn't get the job. Winter has definitely got me down, and the new place is proving to be most freezing and damp in this cold weather. I feel a bit directionless and uncertain. This is leading me to sleepless nights and general blahs. But Hubert and teh wee beasties have been keeping me sane and so I'm hanging in there.

[Miss Burton C Bell, gazing at Hubert.]

So that's the whingy crap. But there is good stuff too. Did I tell you that in true "have a crack" spirit, Hubert has proved to be most handy in the kitchen? Quite remarkable. He decides what he might be interested in making, looks up a recipe on the trusty interwebs, and off he goes. So far his efforts have been highly successful. Toad in the Hole was good, plus provided me with amusement. Sunday saw a super yummy Potato and Leek soup (no photos because I scoffed it all). One of the ways to my heart is indeed through my stomach.

This post made me laugh and laugh this morning. I can so relate, I've been there. Not any more though, again, I'm very lucky that the fella leaves me alone to do the house thing. However, I haven't made any progress on it so far. Last Monday I took all the pictures off the lounge room wall, moved them about for an hour (repeatedly) and then cracked the poos and put them back where I'd started. The house (which is supposed to be retro really) is getting a bit Nanna-fied. Although the big Queens of the Stone Age print would beg to differ. It seems that Ninja has finally grown out of his eat-the-palm-trees phase, so the house can again have pot plants.

[Portrait of the Ninja as a young hooligan.]

[Although these two are looking mighty suspicious.]

Last Thursday we went to Savers in the evening, and I bought NOTHING. Not a sausage. I left feeling rather unfulfilled. There was no vintage teatowels, pillowcases or reasonably priced china to be found. I hope this is not a trend. Not that I need more stuff really, I still have a whole heap of clothes, books, china and furniture at my old house to round up.

Speaking of furniture, this cupboard has been hiding in the shed since we moved in, and I feel it is nearly time to unearth it and install it in the casa. It needs a good clean and a coat of paint - most probably white. I think I'll leave the drawer liners as they are. But the writing really has to go. One drawer is marked "skivvies". I'm grateful I don't own any of those anymore.


Guess who gets the fun job of doing most of the work? No, not Ninja.

In crafty news, I've been stitching (embroidering) pillowcases (what a surprise!) and have decided to make a granny square cushion cover. Yesterday we* swapped my big 50s kitchen table for Hubert's small wood and white version, which fits the space much better. But I then decided that the kitchen chairs needs cushions/chair pads, preferably with granny square covers. This lovely tutorial gave me a new square design and off I went a-hookin'.

[camera hasn't picked up the true colours though. Damn this fluoro lighting.]

As usual, I'm having issues with the colours. Do I like the combo? How come I like the wool until I actually make the squares? ARGH! I really do think granny squares and I are not meant to be sometimes.

You know those blogs with the gorgeous, perfectly styled photos? This is not one of them. But I think you'd probably noticed this already. Thankfully, I now have a camera again (thanks to my mate Nat) so maybe the photos will improve. Can only hope.

I shall return ~ at some stage ~ with pfaffed up house photos and some completed craft. Yeah.


*the royal we of course. You know who does all the hard work around the Villa now.

On my mind

Those that know me well know I'm not a Drama Queen...I'm more a "she'll be right" type (although sometimes there is an initial teary attack). Nor do I exaggerate. But I'm troubled today. Perhaps the problem is that I'm hyper-sensitive (that's probably a bi-polar thing). Today I'm still teary, and perhaps I should just stop worrying. But I need to say something, somewhere.

Last night the kittehs and I were in the wee villa pottering about (one of a block of 10 flats/units). As is my practice when at home, I have the windows open for fresh air, and the back door open for cat traffic. The teev was on (Simpsons I think) and I heard yelling. "Oh dear" thought I, maybe some blokes over the fence are having a squabble, "Not good." The yelling continued, but grew to the point of bellowing, nay, screaming, and I decided it was all too noisy and went to shut the back door and retrieve Ninja from the garden. Then I heard the content of the yelling ~ upon listening it was definitely one-sided and contained the name of the small boy upstairs, and among other content "Fuck you" and something along the lines of 'I've had it with you.' This went on for about 10 minutes. I couldn't hear much else (no crying or smacking or anything), and when I went into the bedroom to shut the windows there, I could hear yelling about how 'everyone in these flats thinks i'm an arsehole but fuck them', or something to that effect. I couldn't comprehend what a 4 year old could have done to deserve that treatment, and I didn't have a clue what to do. All I could do was sit on the couch, cuddle Ninja and cry.

I felt a bit better after discussing it last night with Hubert, but I still felt physically sick. To see the kid, he seems healthy and happy enough, (although to me appears a touch autistic) so I'm at a loss. I don't really know what went on, or know the full situation with this man and his kid. All I know is it still upsets me now.

tenement living, originally uploaded by friendlydrag0n.

PS. added a pic I like to cheer things up a bit.

Sigh

image source

Every payday I look at airfares. And can't afford them. Every payday I get sad.

Today's grumble

mail box, originally uploaded by TommyOshima.

Do any of you tune in and ask yourselves "Hmm I wonder what Drewzel is going to complain about today?" Part of me sort of feels compelled to apologise for being such a curmudgeon, but nah. Blogland is a generally happy place, but still, it isn't all fairies at the bottom of the garden (I myself have slugs there.)

So, in direct contrast to last night's post, you know what's been getting me down lately? E-mail. I hate it. I know it's fast and handy and blah blah blah, but oh my dog, after dealing with all the (often dumb) emails I get at work all day, the last thing I want to do in my leisure time is open my gmail. So I will apologise right now if you've sent me something and I haven't responded or you're feeling unloved or whatever. But oh! how I hate it...such a chore. I get my bills via email now, so that's no reason to want to check my messages in a hurry either. And if you want to write me a lurve letter, put it in teh snail mail (thanks Hubert) ...because electronic doesn't cut it for me.

I'm certainly not advocating we do away with e-mail and go back to telegrams and carrier pigeons... but I must admit, these days, I feel somewhat over communicated. Leave me be for a while world, and that way I can get some stitching done.

Today

Catnapping, originally uploaded by yvestown.

I feel a bit like this.

I can't quite explain...

so maybe someone out there can shed some light on it for me? I just read a very lovely blog post by my cousin about my other cousin getting married. Of course I thought, "how lovely, good on them, etc etc" but the other part of me just went "Meh." I don't want to be bad natured, and I sure don't mean to be, but every time I hear about someone getting married or making plans, I just want to scream "Don't do it!!!!!!!!" I've never been interested in marriage or babies, and certainly didn't spend my childhood play time dreaming of my big white wedding and perfect married life. And I know you might be thinking that this is just a result of failing at my own marriage, but somehow it's deeper than that, and I can't explain it. I have plenty of examples of good solid lasting marriages (parents 40 something years, still going, sister coming up to a couple of decades now with her hubby) but I just can't be positive about it. Am I afraid of commitment? Or do I have a problem with the whole wedding debacle rather than being married per se? I don't know, and I just don't understand. I'm sure it's not sour grapes, to me it seems more like fear. I just don't know what I'm afraid of.

Today...

*somewhere in the Nada Brahma, originally uploaded by Mr. Munro.

I feel a bit like this.

Today's vista

aka "the view inside my head".

Glad everyone loved the little house yesterday as much as me! Alas, it will remain in my dreams, as it's not a practical option... we really need at least 3 bedrooms, as we need a piano room for the Fella (to teach from) and a bedroom for Miss C (Fella's 11 year old) to commandeer when we're lucky enough to have her around. Currently this house is my favourite of the Ballarat offerings. I'm also conscious of getting a place that does NOT need renovations, because I lived for years mid reno in Portionvilla, and I am not prepared to live in mess right now or do any expensive house alterations. Plus I want central Ballarat, so the train station is easy. Oh, the Drewzel-parents (aka my mum and dad) are not at all keen of the Ballarat option, Mum expressing her disapproval by saying "But it's so cold there." Cold we can cope with Mum, ridiculous mortgages on a public servant salary ~ we can't.


One of the good things about blogging is that you can blurt all this sort of stuff out, and then go back and read it in a month and laugh...hopefully when you've sorted your woes. I like to use my blog as a sort of journal/scrapbook, and if anyone reads it, that's only a bonus for me. I know there's some out there who take blogging very seriously ...and I suppose because an internet presence is an easily available and powerful form of marketing these days. Lucky I've got nothing to market, except my malaise, and no one's buying that. I guess my point is, I'm trying to focus on the positive, because I know when I've sorted my house/work quandry I'll look back and say "Oh it wasn't that bad"...but right now, oh I'm stressing. I'm one of those people that know if I have to do something like move or buy a new car I want it done ASAP, otherwise I'll obsess about it. And right now I'm in obsessing phase. So I'll send a message out to the Universe asking it to help my have my shit sorted by the end of the month. Is that too much to ask?

P.S. Internet Explorer you suck. You make my blog template look askew. Blah. If any boffins out there know how to fix it, please let me know.

A granny hooray

The picture above was taken following Hurricane Tracy, but I thought it appropriate for symbolising a reflection of my headspace. Too much stuff going on in there and recent events have left it (and me) somewhat battered (metaphorically speaking of course.) I'm trying to move forward, but of late (as reflected in my bloggy mutterings) I haven't been coping well with the ups and downs of life. Worrying about trying to sort my old house is doing my head in, as is trying to find a new place to buy and live...and now work tell me today that I'll have to relocate to the city. I'm feeling a bit directionless, and I don't like this feeling of being in limbo. And I'm not even a worrier, I just tend to react and do. It's reaching dead ends every time I try and get a plan happening that's upsetting me.

As I'm trying not to be a whinging old bag, let's also make a list of good things in my life at the moment:

• green light for the Peninsula Brown Owls
• super inspiring people in mah interweb world
  
• solidifying my relationship with the Fella
• new puppies!
• the potential of a new home
• focusing on completing craft projects

Yesterday (as the lovely Fella will verify) I was a total mess, sitting here in the afternoon having a bit of a sook. So what did I do?
This:
Amazing how calming crocheting is, especially with nice soft yarn* in soothing tones. And then I went home and did some more squares for my blanket malarkey. Not all better now, but a bit. Hooray.

Footnote: The yarn I'm using here is acrylic...does anyone else dislike the solid "crunchy" feeling of the finished granny squares using acrylic...and does it disappear with washing?

Glummer

Thank you for your kind words re my glumness. I have big issues with dealing with my depression, as in my previous relationship, my partner thought he was to blame for any unhappiness on my part, and as such didn't like me "being a sad sack all the time." So I struggle with the putting on a happy face thing, as well as feeling guilty for when I feel bad, irritable, or just plan sad. Still working on that one. Today I haven't improved much and had a bit of the meltdown at the chemist trying to get a script because all their computers were down and so it took about 40 minutes to get anything done. And then their EFTPOS didn't work. They were lovely but I was in pain and cranky...so me being me, instead of cracking the shits, I burst into tears. Oh dear.

Anyway, whining aside, I have been cheering myself up by playing with the blog template (thanks Aimz!) And lunchtime yesterday I indulged in a wee bit of retail therapy to perk myself up:

What did I buy you ask? Those little curvy mirror frames that you can see in the left of the photo. They stick onto the wall (although I've blu-tacked them up) and I put a couple of my favourite postcards that I received in swaps years ago in them. As I'm renting, I've been using those 3M removable picture hooks...but with the hot weather, I had three come off the wall, so I'm a bit loathe now to hang anything solid up above my little glass collection (as two framed prints, and a mirror have fallen off in that spot, but miraculously nothing broke). The curly stuff will also match something I'm currently coveting from Ikea.
The other thing I bought in my cheer-up-retail-therapy was a set of these, I was excited to find them in the gift shop across from work as I'd been eyeing them online but could only find them on overseas sites. Oh and an orange felt table mat from Annabel Trends as you know I'm loving orange these days. When you're depressed, nest? hmm....

Glum

Is definitely how I'm feeling today...maybe it's the dreaded hormones, maybe I'm tired, maybe it's the fact that I've done something to my knee and the pain is irking me considerably, but all in all I'm fighting off tears right now. Thankfully the phone hasn't rung for a bit, so I can sit here in solitude and sulk...you know when your perspective gets skewed and the bad seems to outweigh the good? That's me today. I am sure this will pass, but I have to get through work, when I'd much rather be asleep in bed. You know you're a bit out there when you talk to someone for five minutes on the phone, tell them you'll sort out their problem, hang up and then say "Who was that?" realising you forgot to get their name. Sigh.

So in the interests of cheerfulness, I'm going to borrow this pic from the lovely Dottie Angel, as it makes me smile every time I look at it. Thank you.

Speaking of blogging

I'll tell you what I want (what I really really want)...

BLOGGER CAN WE PLEASE HAVE PAGES HANGING OFF OUR BLOGS LIKE WORDPRESS DOES?

I feel a bit better now, but I still wish they'd do it.

Reconnect

I've been going through a bit of a self-imposed exile. Sometimes it feels like Facebook is my only link to the outside world, those of you who know me well am aware how much time I spend on there. It helps keep me sane. I'm still not sure where I'm at, I have times where I miss my husband dreadfully, I miss all the little things like having our own vocabulary, and the fact that someone "gets" you. Oh, I've met a few people, the bad and the bad, and the okay-ish. I've been cursing distance, wanting a cuddle, and wishing and thinking. I've been op-shopping, bookshopping and reading, and trying to stitch my troubles away. I've jumped for joy at my independence, loved having my own uncluttered space, pined for the cats and staffies and drunk too much bourbon. And I have met someone new with lots of potential, but I worry about my baggage.
I'm just trying to work out what's important.

This crazy mixed up beauty is all that we have

I'm not sure what Jewel's intention was here, but for me it's an accurate representation of how my bi-polar is. One minute the world is overwhelmingly beautiful, exciting and wonderful, and you're filled with an enormous enthusiasm, energy and sense of contentment, and the next you plunge back into a black and white world of emptyness and numbness, anxiety and despair.

But it ends on a hopeful note.